My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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