That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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