Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize