So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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