I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize