How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
