Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
