fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
