mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
