Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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