mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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