two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
