WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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