I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
