i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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