Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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