u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
