where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
