Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
