It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
