I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
