Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
