Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
sex in a hospital.. check
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
