You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
