I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
