there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
