A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize