i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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