I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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