Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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