and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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