There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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