I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
