all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
