We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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