This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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