dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
