there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
