I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So apparently I’m into choking now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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