I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
