I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You're like the curious george of whores
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
