the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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