he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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