I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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