i think my tv is drunk
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
