I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
and you fell through a lawn chair
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize