I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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