If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
