I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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