I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i already hear my dad disowning me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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