eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
