i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
