I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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