I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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