The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
