We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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