So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we're making bets on your personal life
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
