Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Enjoy the penises
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
