My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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