SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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