Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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