You're completely useless in the revolution.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
