y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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