this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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